We got a new kitten and Yohan named him Ghost. If he were a girl Yohan would’ve named him Bell for bell pepper. So now we have ghost pepper, one of the spiciest kittens I mean peppers.
Me: Ghost is so makulit.
Yohan: I thought the correct word was maliKOWT.
I love how my son would just start praying when he’s sleepy. He then would change his underwear into diaper and then go to bed.
Gideon asked who the man in the picture when he looked at our Alexa device.
I said that’s my father. He’s ama.
Gideon: I’ve never seen him before
Me: He’s not here anymore. He’s dead.
Then I burst out crying.
I looked at Gideon and he had tears in his eyes.
Me: why are you crying?
Gideon: don’t worry mommy we have a new dad. His name is daddy.
Then he started giving me his Mother’s Day card. He carressed my head/hair.
Then a picture of me and Jeff showed in Alexa.
Gideon: mommy look! You’re happy again!
Gideon: mommy, I’m still alive!
Me: yes you are!
I am comforted that even though my son has never seen ama, he showed me sympathy. I will always get by during occasional bouts of sadness.
—
Ama was having difficulty opening his right eye. But he tried his best to open it here so we can have a nice picture together. This picture was taken a month before he passed away. ❤️🙏
—-
Edit:
Gideon: your father is really really fine
Me: you can call him ama
Gideon: wait, I can call him?
(Like in iPad, what he does with lolo and Lola)
Me: no no! I mean, you can call him ama instead of “your father”
This morning, for the nth time. Jeff looked at me lovingly and told me “Ang ganda ganda mo talaga”
Kinilig ako ng sobra and then he said
“Ginayuma mo ba ako?” 😑
Highschool: 28 years ago in 1996, Jeffrey wrote this poem for me. This was the original notebook he wrote this into. He then transferred it to a stationery with envelope and gave it to me like a love letter 💌
Kung May curious dyan. No, Hindi kami naging mag boyfriend noong highschool. In fact, after 4 years pa.
Medyo matagal nya ako sinuyo. Matigas ang puso ng lola nyo. Pusong bato 😂 Kung Hindi sya pursigido, hindi Kami. Ilang beses ko sya pinauwi noong bumibisita sya sa amin.
——
Questions Answered
If you were in disguised
What would you do?
I’d take off my mask and show
my love to you
It you were darkness
what would you do?
I’d turn the darkness to light
And share it with you
If you were death
what would you do?
I would never claim your soul
And let you live torever
If you were hell
What would you do?
I’d extinguish all the fires
that might burn you
If you were evil what
What would you do?
I would turn to goodness and love
And would never hurt you
If you were satan
what would you do?
I’d take off my horns and tail
And live as a human like you
If you were a devil
what would you do?
I’d give up my life of sin
And live as saint for you
Culture shock when I was in Europe.
My first night at my sister’s house, she offered me water. I was expecting bottled water or from a dispenser. To my shock, she took water from her faucet and then gave it to me. 😮
I honestly have not had tap water in 30 years! This figure is not an exaggeration.
When I was in elementary, I was playing and drank water from the faucet outside our house like usual. Take note, there was a nearby well where we live.
I got sick with amoebiasis. Ama brought be to Makati Medical Center and had my tests, stool, etc. MD prescribed huge tablets I didn’t think I could swallow. I honestly thought drug names were Abbot and Roche, lol. Now that I work in pharmacy. I realized they were the manufacturers.
From then on we would boil water, cool it down, so I could drink water. Eventually transitioned to having to buy purified water in a jug or container.
Our fridge here in California has a filter and water dispenser. But I never drink it. My husband would always buy purified water from the water station and would keep 4 gallons at home. Yes, trauma is still here.
So I when I got up the next day at Sam’s house, I told my husband I was hungry but didn’t want to eat yet since my sister was still asleep. Even though she gave me permission to ransack her fridge. My husband texted “drink water”
That’s when I sent him a crying emoji and sent a message
“ she (my sister) doesn’t have bottled water. She gave me tap water :(“
It seemed very maarte. But when you’re in a situation you’re not used to, what do you do?
Well, after some hesitations, I trusted the European water system and drank it. I still paid for water when we were at restaurants. Also imagine my shock when they wouldn’t give me free water? Hehehe. Here, at restaurants the first thing they ask is drinks. Water is free unless it’s sparkling.
And yes I told my friend Maris that I couldn’t believe she doesn’t have a water dispenser. But everyday I was at her home I’d refill my plastic bottle with her tap Belgian water 🙂
Edit:
I forgot to add. My mom and I had a conversation with one of her favorite movies. Guess what? Erin Brockovich. You could only imagine the conversation that ensues.
Long post. Triggering.
Mentions of rape (almost) robbery, punching, slapping, mental/physical trauma.
Yesterday I woke up at 4 am feeling the familiar pain. This was the day after my body was slammed onto the pavement because of an electric scooter accident.
My knees, stomach, breasts, ribs, were just in excruciating pain.
It's as if my body was making me remember the event in my life I wanted to forget. It was just the same feeling. The rain in Sacramento didn't help either.
I had a tough time sharing this 20 years ago. It took 13 years before I was able to share it with a family member.
Twenty years ago, I was 22 years old. I just graduated from University the year before. I had a good paying job at a call center working the night shift. One rainy night, I hailed a taxicab to get to work. I usually ride the bus. I only did because it was raining. I wasn't paying attention to the driver when I got in. I had just taken a shower and my hair was wet. I brushed my hair inside the cab. A few minutes later the driver tried to rob me of my cellphone. I lied and said I didn't have it. He threatened me with his small knife and grabbed me from the backseat and sat me in the passenger side. This, while he was driving. I was fearing for my life and wanted to just open the car door and jump on the highway. He brought me to secluded area where there was less light and very few buildings, I remember there was a bridge and river / body of water below it.
He stopped the car and tried to touch me. He punched me in my stomach and slapped me on the face. I was so glad I didn't lose consciousness. I was fighting him and praying to God to save me. I don't want to be a victim of rape. God answered my prayers because his knife dropped and couldn't find it in the dark. That's when I opened the lock to the car door and kicked it open and tried so hard to get away. My butt was on the wet pavement as he was pulling my hair so he could bring me back inside. I used every ounce of my strength to get away.
I ran away so fast not stopping. The adrenaline rush must have helped me. I wasn't looking back because he might drive back and follow me. So I was flagging every car that passed by. One car stopped and a gentleman helped me get to a building nearby where there was security. He said he already saw me and passed me by. He told me I was holding my stomach as if I was stabbed. So he dropped off his wife and kids somewhere close by and went back to help me. He didn't want his kids to see my condition.
The security guards in the building called the police for me. They informed me this has happened so many times in that area. I filed a police report and they dropped me off work. My coworkers gave me money because my purse was left in the evil cab. That was also the last time I rode a cab alone.
When I went home to my cousins' house the following day. I didn't tell them what happened. I was afraid they'd tell my father and I'd be told to stop working in Makati. I showed up with the same happy face like nothing bad happened and slept.
I woke up a few hours later and feeling the pain on my face and my stomach. I had bruises and a small wound on my cheek. My stomach was hurting so bad. I was really beaten.
I couldn't forget what happened. I always see that evil man's face. It's hard to sleep. It took a toll on my relationship with my boyfriend Jeff. I kept breaking up with him. I was battling with myself. I didn't deserve to be with anyone. I felt dirty and ashamed.
I prayed every night "please God make me forget it and let me sleep in peace". God really works in mysterious ways because after a few weeks of always praying. I slowly slept in peace and forgot the feeling of fear and anxiety.
All these memories came back yesterday along with the physical pain. I slept for 11 hours last night. I didn't cry because of that experience 20 years ago. I was frustrated because my body was in pain and the trauma from that physical pain just came rushing back to me. The feeling was the same like someone beat me up. I am taking medications around the clock. I will get through this. This looks like a long post. This was actually a shorter version. I have more thoughts.
I told Jeff about how I was feeling. He didn't say anything, he just hugged me.
That's all I needed.
